


didn't mean to turn you on

by fannyann



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Asexuality, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-19 01:04:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1449583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannyann/pseuds/fannyann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not as if Liam doesn’t find people attractive -- he does.  He can look at someone and admire the cut of their jaw, the softness of their eyes or the set of their mouth and know that they are good looking. Sometimes he looks at someone and his heart twists uncomfortably and he’ll get an overwhelming need to know them -- to be involved in that person’s life -- but he’s never really experienced any form of arousal and definitely never felt any desire to touch and <i>be touched</i> by someone in return.  At least not until he went to bootcamp for the second time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	didn't mean to turn you on

**Author's Note:**

> [For the 1D Ace Ficathon](http://fannyyann.livejournal.com/1012.html)
> 
>  
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> 
> And thank you to [Fee](http://archiveofourown.org/users/brittastyles/pseuds/brittastyles) for beta'ing this for me. 

The first time it happens it takes him completely off guard. He’d only met Niall that morning and while he made Liam feel ridiculously at ease for someone who was technically his competition he was nothing like any of the people who’d ever made Liam feel the need to get to know them. But maybe that's Niall’s appeal. Niall with his bottle blond hair and his big, vibrating laughter and the way he invites Liam to eat lunch with him even though Liam didn’t say a word to him outside of ‘hello’ when they were assigned their rooms that morning. 

Whatever it is about Niall Liam’s pulled toward him absolutely -- feels giddy every time Niall looks over at him while they’re practising “Man in the Mirror” and can’t help but hope they get the chance to be friends. The first day of bootcamp winds down quicker than Liam had remembered from his first time there. He and Niall are put in the same group and lined up on stage and when Simon calls out that it’s good news Liam’s elated. The boys around him erupt in cheers and Liam feels so overwhelmed with excitement that he leans forward a bit trying to catch his breath. 

That’s when it happens. That’s when everything he’d thought he’d known about himself changes. Niall reaches over from where he’s gathered up between people’s arms and touches Liam’s hip in congratulation and something twists in Liam’s chest. He squeezes Niall’s hand against his hip and Niall’s fingers dig softly into his jeans causing a heat to pool in the pit of his stomach and Liam doesn’t know what to make of it. He thinks at first that maybe it’s just the excitement getting to him. That once he settles down and tucks back into his room for the night his head will clear and the feeling will pass. 

But it doesn’t. 

His skin buzzes with the feeling and the need to _be touched_ for the rest of the night and that confuses Liam. It had taken Liam so long to become comfortable with the fact that he wasn’t like his mates -- that he didn’t feel the need to get himself off or get off with other people -- but now in the darkness of his shared room with Niall he’s lying under the covers aching for relief. Desperate to get off. 

It’s odd, though. Because he would have thought that if he ever felt arousal it would have come along with the desire to get off with someone else -- like all his other friends do. But while he’s restless and horny it’s not as if he feels anything stirring in him at the thought of getting off with Niall. It’s just that Niall grabbing his hip aroused him -- made him curious for the first time what an orgasm would feel like. 

He waits until Niall’s breathing evens out and he’s sure he’s fallen asleep to sneak off to the bathroom. He sits on the edge of the toilet and slips his joggers down. He’d be embarrassed by how hard he is just because a boy he’s known for less than a whole day had touched his hip in a moment of excitement if he wasn’t so curious. He’s only done this once before: last year when he’d started worrying that he was a freak -- that something was wrong with him because he wasn’t interested in sex like the rest of the boys in his year. But this time is much different. This time he’s already hard. This time it’s more than just a desperate attempt to work himself up and prove to himself that he can enjoy sex. This time it feels good. 

He doesn’t think of Niall, or anyone for that matter, being the one touching him. He just revels in the feel of his hand against his dick and how relieving it is. Both in terms of getting himself off and in easing the part of his mind that sounds a lot like his mum saying: _you’ll never have kids, Liam._ He touches himself slowly, trying to savour it, to figure out what it is he likes -- not knowing if this opportunity will present itself again. He bites his lip when he comes and slumps back against the toilet -- face flushed and skin a little clammy. 

*

By the time it happens again Liam’s convinced himself that the first time was only a fluke. Sometimes Niall will do something like touch Liam’s hair softly in greeting and Liam’s stomach will twist happily but he never gets that rushing sense of arousal again -- never needs to go to the bathroom and get himself off. He doesn’t really concern himself with worrying about it, though. There’s too much going on in his life now. He’s in a band and they’ve _got a record deal_ and they’re recording an album and releasing a book and Liam just doesn’t have time to think about bootcamp or wanking in the bathroom or how he’s still never wanted to have sex with another person. 

But then they film a video to thank the fans for coming out to their first book signing and Zayn leans forward while Liam’s talking -- arm only inches away from Liam’s and there’s that feeling again, that stirring in the pit of his stomach. He can feel Zayn watching his mouth while he talks and it makes Liam feel hot all over. It’s only intensified when Zayn leans forward, places his hand at the back of Liam’s neck and kisses him on the cheek quickly. Harry follows suit, never one to miss an opportunity to rile Liam up, nipping at the juncture of Liam’s neck and he feels like he’s on fire now.

Though it’s the same as it had been last year with Niall in that he doesn’t feel any need to get off with Zayn, or Harry, it’s twice as intense and leaves Liam’s head spinning. He can’t wait until they’re back at their flats, he excuses himself from the conference room they were filming in and heads to the loo. He breathes out a relieved sigh when he finds a single bathroom down the hall, locks the door and slumps against it -- frantic for relief. He pops the button of his jeans undone and pushes his pants out of the way, freeing his cock. He doesn’t take it slow this time, doesn’t have the time for that. It’s hard and fast and leaves Liam feeling more confused than he was the last time this happened. 

*

It happens more often, then, but only with Niall and Zayn. Niall will pass him a water bottle and accidentally graze his hand against Liam’s or Zayn will card his fingers through Liam’s hair and Liam’s stomach will twist in arousal. It never leads him to want anything more than getting himself off on his own time and it has Liam’s mind reeling. 

He frantically talks to Ruth after it finally happens with Louis, though. Because this time it’s different. This time they’re filming for the tour screens and he’s playing the piano and Louis’s lying on top of it, leaning forward with his face right up near Liam’s, smiling brightly at him and that same feeling of arousal flares up again. But this time it’s fleeting. It doesn’t make him want to run away to the bathroom to have a wank and when he tries to recall the moment later that night, like he usually does, to get himself off it doesn’t work. 

He’s near tears when he calls Ruth that night. Frantic and worried that he’s a freak. Because he had thought that maybe it was just going to take him a while to get to the point of wanting to have sex. That maybe he just had to work himself up to it, that it’d come in time. But now, now it looks like he’s lost it entirely. 

His voice is strangled and he’s trying to refrain from crying when he says, “Ruth, what will mum say? What will dad think? I’m a freak aren’t I?” 

She’s shushing him softly on the other end. “No Li, no. You’re not a freak! This is -- I think I’ve read about this before. Let me. Let me go and find some stuff for you to read, okay? I promise you’re perfectly normal, Liam. You’re not a freak at all.” 

She sends him links about asexuality and the ways people experience arousal differently and he feels overwhelmed and a bit like he’s going to puke. But when he goes to bed that night he feels easier, calmer now that he knows it’s not just him. That there are other people like him. That he’s normal. That he’s asexual. 

*

Though Harry was involved the first time Liam felt arousal because of something Zayn did, it takes years for it to happen in response to just Harry. By the time their first North American tour ends it’s happened with all the boys, some more than others, but never with Harry. 

He tells Louis about it a month after they’ve come home. Tells him about how he’d never felt arousal until bootcamp, how soft quiet moments get his blood pumping but how still, even then, he never wants to have sex with anyone.

Louis looks at him curiously for a moment before smiling softly, asking, “Payno, have you told anyone else about this?” 

Liam shrugs, scratching at the back of his neck, “Only Ruth. I told Zayn and Niall I’m not interested in having sex but never to the --” He shakes his head and feels his cheeks flushing, moving his hands frantically between the two of them he says, “Never as much as I just told you!” 

The room quiets and Louis looks at him seriously. “Does it--” 

He trails off and Liam feels embarrassed with the way Louis is looking at him, like maybe he shouldn’t have told him. But then Louis is smiling softly at him, asking with an edge of caution, “Can I ask you a few questions about how it works?” 

Liam’s face twists in discomfort because he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to answer any of Louis’ questions and Louis says, “If you don’t want to tell me you don’t have to. I just want to understand you, man.” 

Liam smiles, laughing softly, relieved that Louis wants to understand, that he doesn’t think he’s a freak. “You can ask, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to answer them. I’m still trying to figure it all out myself.” 

Louis smiles, touches Liam’s knee gently, reassuringly, and Liam’s stomach churns like it so often does in moments like this and Louis presses on, asking, “Does it like -you said the first time it happened was at bootcamp with Niall but you didn’t say - does it happen with all of us?” 

Liam’s heart clenches uncomfortably, not knowing how Louis will react if he tells him the truth. He rubs at his face and laughs nervously, saying meekly, “Yeah, sometimes. I mean, no. Not Harry. Never Harry. Only that one time he and Zayn kissed me one after the other. But never again. Never by himself.” 

Louis leans back in his chair, and touches his mouth gently, smiling devilishly, “You know how stroppy he’d get if he found out?” 

Liam can’t help but laugh, it vibrates through him and bubbles out of him and he can’t stop. He’s so relieved that Louis’ only response to finding out about all of this is to make a joke about Harry pouting. He shouldn’t be surprised, Louis always tries to turn things into a joke to make Liam feel calmer. 

He sobers up and looks at Louis seriously, “You can’t tell him, though. I don’t want to like, hurt his feelings or something.”

Louis is smiling at him full on at this point, eyes crinkling up around the edges, saying, “You’re too good to us, mate.” He pauses for a moment and then says seriously, “You know he’d understand. Like you don’t have to tell anyone anything you don’t want to but if you wanted to -- Harry’d understand.” 

Liam knows that. But it feels different with Harry. Everything always feels different with Harry and he doesn’t want to ruin anything by telling him. 

* 

They’re at his 19th birthday party when it finally happens with Harry. Liam’s not really had anything to drink when it happens but his head still spins all the same. Harry indicates to Liam that he’s about to leave and Liam presses up against him nearly shouting over the music, hand on Harry’s shoulder when he leans in to ask if he’s alright. 

He leans back, looking at Harry’s mouth to see his answer and Harry moves his hand down Liam’s back gently, lighting the skin underneath his shirt on fire. He rests his hand on Liam’s hip, digging his long fingers underneath Liam’s shirt, anchoring Liam in place, saying, “Yeah, happy birthday, mate.” 

The heat in Liam’s stomach is unbearable and he can feel himself thickening beneath his jeans as they stand there, Harry’s fingers against his skin. It’s the most intense amount of arousal he’s experienced up to this point and unlike ever before he feels the need for someone else to touch him -- to have someone else’s hand on his dick and that’s new. That’s exhilarating. 

He doesn’t necessarily want it to be _Harry_ doing the touching but he’s flustered and hot all over at the idea of someone, _anyone_ , getting him off. He leans forward and thanks Harry for coming and the minute he leaves Liam rushes to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and furiously hoping that no one needs in while he’s there. His mind is racing with the feeling and Harry’s face briefly flashes across his mind right as he’s about to come and he has to steady himself, one hand against the bathroom wall, as he comes into the toilet. He leans against the stall, panting, a little sweaty and absolutely confused by what just transpired. 

He’d finally thought he’d figured it all out and now, well now he’s suddenly just as unsure as he had been when he was fifteen and all his friends were talking about kissing girls and hiding porn from their parents and Liam wasn’t interested in any of that. But now maybe he is and he’s not sure what that means. Not one bit at all.

*

It starts happening with Harry more often than anyone else and though it never leaves him wanting sex again Liam can’t help but wonder why it did that time. What is it about Harry that affects him so much more than anyone else. 

He tells Ruth about it one night in Cardiff. They’re sitting together at the back of some club and Harry offers to go get him a drink and his stomach twists familiarly, heartbeat quickening and Ruth looks at him curiously, smiling softly. “Is it a moment like that? That you’re always talking about?” 

Liam’s so caught up in the rushing feeling in his head and the way he finds himself thinking longingly about what Harry’s lips would feel like against his that he doesn’t hear her. 

“What?” 

Ruth smiles patiently, asking again, “Is it a moment like that? Something quiet and sweet like that with the boys that makes you - you know...” 

She trails off, diverting her eyes from Liam’s face and Liam can’t help but laugh. Ruth’s very brash sometimes but even she gets a bit embarrassed talking about sex with him. 

“Yeah. But it’s like --” He pauses, shaking his head. Laughing to himself at the idea of having this conversation in the middle of a crowded club, continuing anyway, “It’s different with Harry. I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s just he makes me feel different? Makes me want different things.” 

Ruth smiles at him knowingly and Liam doesn’t know what to make of that until she’s saying gently, “Liam, it sounds like you have your first crush.” 

He slumps down in his seat, sighing in defeat as Harry comes back with Liam’s drink and his heart clenches uncomfortably when Harry smiles down at him softly and Liam looks at Ruth, whispering, “Yeah, I think you’re right.” 

*

It happens more and more often with Harry after that. On stage, after shows, in the buses between cities. Happens so much more with him that it’s almost as if it stops completely with the other boys and Liam’s overwhelmed by it all. Sometimes Harry makes him want sex, sometimes he makes Liam want to kiss, other times he just makes him want to be held closely and cuddled. The most terrifying part of it all is that after that night in Cardiff, after that talk with Ruth, he starts wanting these things more with Harry, not just with some faceless person. 

It becomes unbearable one night in Melbourne when Harry’s sat next to him during Niall’s speech. Something comes over Liam and he can’t help but want to make Harry laugh, see him smile that stupid dimpled grin of his so he messes with his moustache, or what there is of it, pretending to shape it into a handlebar ‘stache, pouting his lips out toward Harry in a ridiculous manner. Just as Liam had wanted, Harry’s face twists into a smile and his skin buzzes at the sound of Harry’s laughter. 

But that’s not enough. Liam wants more. He wants Harry’s full attention on him, wants Harry to play along with him, to give him the attention he’s so desperate for at the moment. He ruffles the hair of his eyebrows, _needs_ to get Harry’s attention, needs to make him pay attention to him completely. He looks back at Harry, waiting for him to do something, hoping he’ll pay attention to him the way he wants him to. He expects Harry to laugh, thinks he might do something just as ridiculous like he usually does when he plays along with Liam, what happens though, is far from what he had expected. Harry looks at him seriously and presses his hand forward, smoothing Liam’s eyebrows out gently with his thumb and finger. 

The feeling Liam gets at the pit of his stomach is overwhelming and his desire to kiss Harry, to get off with Harry, is greater than it’s ever been. He has to look away for a second, trying to keep his heart steady. When he looks back Harry’s leaning over to tell him something. 

Speaking loudly over the sound of the cheers around them, but just enough so Liam can hear, Harry says, “If you want my attention you just have to ask, mate. Don’t have to go through an elaborate ruse to get it.” 

He stops for a moment and Liam feels a bit light headed, then Harry leans back in, saying, “I _want_ to give you attention. You just have to want it in return.” 

_Oh,_ Liam thinks. His head spins at the idea of Harry potentially offering him what he’s been wanting for so long. He leans forward to say something, anything, starting with, “I think we need to--” 

Harry moves his head to hear Liam better and he tries not to lose is thunder, pressing on, “I think we need to talk about a few things. But yeah, next time I’ll just ask.” 

When he pulls away Harry’s nodding at him and Liam tries to maintain control of his emotions but he can’t help the way his face twists up giddily. 

*

That night after the show, Harry corners him at the door of Liam’s hotel room, pressing up against his back, asking, “Can we talk now?” 

Liam shivers against him, willing himself to be a responsible adult and talk to Harry before doing anything else, even though all he wants now is to feel Harry’s skin against his own and learn what his mouth tastes like in a kiss. 

Louis was right, Harry does understand. He touches Liam’s shoulder gently when he tells him, then pulls away quickly, apologizing hurriedly. “Sorry, no. I wasn’t trying to like -- get you going or anything.” 

It makes him feel calmer somehow, knowing that Harry’s just as confused in this as he is and he laughs loudly, leaning forward into his hands to try and stifle it. When he pulls himself together, sitting back up, Harry’s looking at him gently, almost nervously, saying, “Had I known I wouldn’t have - y’know, I wouldn’t have been so forward back there on stage I wouldn’t have like, put that pressure on you. I’m sorry, Liam.”

“No, it’s fine. Really. I want you to pay attention to me. I want it all the time. It’s just not always.” 

He stops, flustered. He doesn’t know how to explain it to himself. Let alone to Harry of all people. But Harry just presses closer against him, squeezing his knee gently in reassurance and Liam goes on, saying, “It’s just not always, like, sexual, really. Sometimes all I want to do is kiss you. Sometimes I don’t even want that. Sometimes I want more. But I do want you, Harry. But obviously, I understand if you don’t…” 

He stops to look at Harry and is surprised to see him smiling back at Liam fondly, and he chokes over his next words, “Don’t want to, y’know, be with someone who’s not always up for things.”

Harry’s smiling at him widely, knocking their knees together. “I just want you, mate. If you want to kiss, we’ll kiss. If you want other things I can do other things. If you want to sit in bed and watch those shitty pawn programmes I’ll do that. You just have to tell me what you want.” 

Liam’s chest is tight with how happy he feels, with how much he likes Harry and he looks at Harry hopefully, saying, “Right now, I want you to kiss me.”

Harry’s lips are soft against Liam’s and when he licks into his mouth it sets Liam’s skin ablaze. He’s not sure if he likes it because he likes kissing or if he likes it because he’s _kissing Harry_. But that doesn’t matter right now because he doesn’t want to be kissing anyone else -- he just wants to be kissing Harry.

*

Harry’s helpful and kind and never pushes Liam for anything. He sends him a few links three weeks later about grey asexuality and demi sexuality and a text after reading: _Maybe this is a better fit for you babe._

Liam’s heart swells at Harry trying to help him figure it out and spends the rest of the night looking over what Harry’s sent him. He still doesn’t know quite where he fits. But he doesn’t try to force it. He knows that he likes Harry and that sometimes that manifests itself in wanting sex but most of the time it doesn’t. Sometimes he wants kisses, and sometimes he doesn’t. 

The one constant is how he wants Harry to pay attention to him, to sit next to him and watch shitty television, to let Liam curl into his side and breathe against his chest when he’s had a bad day, to answer his call and let Liam talk excitedly on the other end without hanging up ten minutes into the story, to let Liam give him what he can and never make him feel like he needs to do something more. 

And that’s just what Harry does.


End file.
